MOT V7 Session61 Grandparenting

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The On Target Institute presents a teaching from the Men on Target small group curriculum. Now with today's session, On Target founder, Vince D'Acchioli. How you doing? And welcome to this very special edition of Men on Target. In this program, I'm going to be dealing with a brand new subject called godly grandfathering.

It occurred to us some time ago that there's an aging population now and there's a lot of men that we're dealing with who are finding that they have a lot of grandchildren in and it's becoming more and more difficult to understand how do I become a godly grandparent. I want to encourage you to please go to our website, otm.co and under On Target Institute there's a drop down menu where you'll find downloadable resources. Near the top of that list there are two very important handouts that you need to have. One of them is the handout for this session with all the slides. The second one is a paper that was put together some time back dealing with giving a blessing to your grandchildren and it is very, very well done.

I want to encourage you to go there. I also want to suggest some reading. Dr. Gary Smalley some time ago wrote a book called The Key to Your Child's Heart. I love that book.

I read that book probably 30 years ago and it is really incredible. I want to encourage you to pick up a copy and take a look at it. Somewhere in there I think there's a quote that says, it's easier to build a child than it is to repair an adult. How many of you have discovered that to be true? The Bible says that we are to train up a child in the way he should go.

That's in Proverbs and I think it's very, very important that we understand that verse. That does not mean by the way just generically training up a child in a good way. What it really means is discovering how that child is uniquely wired and encouraging that child and training them up in that way. Very important for us to understand. I came across this quote a long time ago.

It says, God couldn't be everywhere. So guess what? He made grandparents. And so I don't know about you but I have six grandchildren today and I am having so much fun. My wife and I are enjoying our grandkids so much.

So let's get into this. I want to start by talking about the state of grandkids today. Where are grandkids today? And how did we get here? I go back to the time many, many years ago when I was speaking in the Los Angeles area of Southern California.

I remember I would go into the classroom and I've had opportunities to go in on career days and talk to the kids about my career and how I got there. At that time I was vice president of a Fortune 500 company and there was a particular experience I had back then that I want to share with you. As I was sharing, at the end of my time one young girl in the class raised her hand during a question and answer segment and she asked me the following question. She said, Mr. D'Acchioli, do you have to have a college education in order to have a job like yours?

And I noticed as I looked around the classroom that the other students were on the edge of their chair. You know, you can tell when that question is hitting a nerve and it certainly was but I wasn't sure why. I answered the question, don't even remember what I told her really, but when I walked away from that experience after talking to a few more of the kids, I came to the realization that that really wasn't the spirit of the question that she was asking. Now listen carefully, here was really the question that she wanted an answer to. It was this, do I have to do anything in order to get ahead?

In other words, I would like to know if it's possible to be able to get ahead without having to pay too high a price. It was already back in those days, 30, 40 years ago, I think is when it all began, this entitlement mentality that I want to be able to arrive somewhere but I don't want to have to pay too much of a price to get there. And I walked away from that experience and I remember telling myself that I'm seeing two things happening with the kids of that day and I'm finding that to be true as I look at where we are today. We are building kids that lack two things, patience and the ability to apply critical thought. And I really believe that that's where we're finding ourselves today.

But you know what, it's not too late. We can still make a difference. And I want to encourage you, no matter what your age is, that you have a lot to contribute. You've got to remember this. In Psalm 92, 14, it says, That's what we're supposed to do.

We're to bear fruit in old age. We're to stay fresh and green. It says in Psalm 145, 4, We're supposed to pass on God's mighty acts to the next generation. In Deuteronomy 4, 9, it says, That's a command. In Psalm 103, 17, Now, let me turn a corner here and share with you something that I share when I talk about parenting and the importance, particularly for us men as we approach our families because I think it has application here when we're talking about grandchildren.

In our families, we are called to three offices, especially if you study the Old Testament. We're supposed to be our family's prophet, priest, and king. Now, let me unpack that for you. The family prophet, let's start there. The family prophet, and by the way, I don't mean prophet in the sense of foretelling here.

What we're talking about here is someone who has their back to God facing the family. In other words, I'm spending time with God, getting revelation from him, and my job is to represent God to my family. As a family prophet, I am to pass on biblical truth. I am to encourage family members and help them move forward. So as a prophet, I have my back is to God facing my family.

Now, if we look at the family priest, it's the other way around. As the priest of my family, I'm to have my back to my family facing God. My job is to understand, to stand in the gap, and to pray for family members daily. I am to discover their needs, what's going on in these various needs that my grandchildren in this case might have, and to present them to God. And that is what I am called to do as a family priest.

The family king, that is another office. The family king simply means to lead, to be out in front, to protect, to be willing to die for, to provide for, the whole idea of security. And also, it carries with it the idea of discipline, because discipline plays an important role in ultimate security for our children. We'll talk more about that as it relates to understanding the kind of rules and regulations that our kids have set up in their own home. But there's an old saying that says, behavior is determined by the consequences that follow it.

I don't know about you, but I'm seeing a dangerous trend in raising children today where there aren't very many consequences, or certainly not the kind of consequences that would bring about the proper kind of behavioral changes that I think may be necessary. So we need to understand that. Now, let me share with you some pitfalls to watch for as a grandparent. Number one, not being on the same page with their parents, with the various rules and various disciplines that their parents are applying. And I know in my case, we've had lots of discussion about this.

My kids, I have six grandchildren and I have two families, and they both have two little boys and a little girl. And they have rules and disciplines that they've come up with in their families that they live by. So what happens is, when my wife and I have the grandchildren in our home, we have to make sure that we're lining up with the way they do things and that we don't confuse these kids with a different set of rules and regulations and disciplines. So the first thing that you have to understand is that you need to be on the same page with their parents. You need to talk through some of these things.

The second thing that I've discovered is that older grandchildren oftentimes will evaluate you through the lens of their relationship with their own dad. And by the way, if we want to broaden this teaching out, it could be that you're dealing with a young person and they're not your grandchild. This is also very, very true. When a young person is talking with you and you've got the gray hair and the experience, they oftentimes will judge you unfairly sometimes on the basis of their relationship with their own earthly dad. For instance, if they had a bad relationship and it was a broken relationship, there may be a trust level that needs to be built that otherwise would not need to be built.

And if they've had a healthy relationship with your dad, you've got a whole new possibility of trust being built there, different kind of conversation. So again, a pitfall to watch for. Another one is the technology trap. This is a big one. Overcoming the digital distractions.

And I don't know about you, but actually I've been in meetings with young people, honestly, where I have sat across the table from young people who are not even looking at me. They're texting. Sometimes they're texting their friend sitting at the same table. I don't know how this works. I'm too old.

I'm not into all of that stuff, but it can become a tremendous distraction. So I want to encourage you to understand the technology trap. My wife and I are setting up rules now where when the kids come over, what we do is we say, okay, listen, guys, we're not going to get into this. You can't have your iPad or your tablet or your phone. We're going to set them aside.

But here's the thing. When you do that, you're going to get some pushback. You've got to replace it with something that's going to keep their attention and be fun for them. One of the things we've discovered is that storytelling is a big part of that. And I'll talk more about that as we close here in just a little bit.

But be careful and think through the technology trap and creative ways that you can avoid that. Beware of the pitfall of thinking that you are too old to make a difference. This is a lie. We have had so much life experience, but there's a tendency to believe the world's lie that when you reach a certain age, you really don't have much to contribute anymore. And I want to really encourage you to not fall into that trap.

Now let me kind of bring this to a head here by talking for a while about practical ideas for grandfathering. And this is really the important stuff that we really want to drill down in. Number one, always pray for them. Pray for your grandchildren every single day. Now I want to suggest something to you that may sound kind of hard to do, but trust me, it can be done.

I have done it. I've discovered how to do it. For the last couple of years, I've been spending a lot of time with God every single day and I have a long list of people that I pray for. And I pray for each and every one of my grandchildren every single day by name. And when you do that, there are a couple of things that happen.

First of all, you become aware, obviously, of the things that they need to have prayer for. But also, I really think it opens up spiritual doors of opportunity to sow into their lives that otherwise wouldn't be there. And when you're able to tell your grandchild, you know, Johnny, I've been praying for you about this issue you've been having at school with that bully. I've been praying for you every day about that. Their little eyes light up.

They know that you're interested in them. So always pray for your grandchildren every single day without fail. If you pray for none of the other people that you know but your immediate family and your grandchildren, that's a great place to start. The next thing is scheduled availability. Now listen, if your children aren't living in the same community where you are, maybe they're in a different part of the country or even the world, we've got the technology today.

We've got no excuse. We've got Skype. We've got FaceTime. And for me, my wife and I are FaceTiming our kids in California every single day. We're right there.

We'll be in the kitchen cooking or doing something. And we've got the screen set up on our phone or our tablet. And we're there enjoying their company. It's a wonderful opportunity that we really should avail ourselves of. But the other part of it is if they are local, scheduled availability.

Take time to take those grandchildren and perhaps one at a time, schedule time where you can talk to their parents and say, hey, can I take little Kylie and spend an afternoon with her? Or can I take Hunter and just go be with him for a day and maybe go do something fun? Scheduled availability is very important. Make yourself available to those kids. The next one is very important.

When you're with them, here's the real key to really getting into their world. Ask caring questions. A friend of mine years ago, he has a great question. He would talk to people. And I remember when I first talked to him years ago, he would say, Vince, tell me what's going on in your world right now.

And I thought, wow, what a great question. Because we enjoy telling stories. And so when I'm with my grandkids, what I'll do oftentimes, and I'll say, hey, Colton, tell me what's going on in your world right now. What are the things that are concerning you? And what are the good things that maybe God is doing in your life?

And I'll start asking those kinds of questions. But here's the key. The second part of that is the word, simply listen. And by the way, guys, the definition of listening is really very simple. It's just wanting to hear, just three words.

It's really being attentive and really registering with what they're trying to tell you. Very important to get into their life by asking caring questions. Now, in response to that, tell life experience stories. I want to tell you something. This may be the most important one altogether.

I watch my little guys and girls light up when they're maybe lying in bed next to Nana. They call us Papa and Nana, Grandma and Grandpa. There's all kinds of names. But they'll be lying in bed. And Cindy will just start telling them a story.

And their eyes light up. Kids love stories. And it doesn't matter what age they are. They love hearing stories. And especially stories where you're sharing your life experiences with them.

And I want to encourage you, don't do this in a negative or judgmental way, saying, hey, when I grew up, I didn't do it that way. I'm not talking about those kind of stories. I'm talking about stories that they can engage with that have some exciting things maybe going on. The next one, get input from Mom and Dad. This is very important.

Go to Mom and Dad and say, hey, tell us what's going on in the lives of your kids right now. What are the things, what are they struggling with? What are the things we can be praying for? Maybe they're having an issue at school where their grades are coming down and they need encouragement in that area. But getting input from Mom and Dad really sets the stage for you being able to pray focused prayers for what's going on in their life right now.

And then the next one is to tell them often that you love them and that you are proud of them. They, listen, I often say this. How old do you have to be before you don't need to hear those words anymore? I got it. Dead.

And by the way, even when you're dead, you're going to be hearing those words someday from your loving Heavenly Father because that's where we get our model. What did he say? He says, what did our Heavenly Father say about his own son? He said, this is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased. Not a bad place to take our standard.

And then this final one is to speak a blessing over them. It's important. I don't know about you, but I really never had a blessing spoken over my life by my Mom and my Dad. But I have spoken blessings over our kids and our grandkids. And I want to tell you something.

There's something so incredible about that. In fact, if you look, the first act of God recorded in Scripture after creating man was to pronounce a blessing. Look at Genesis 1, 27. So God created mankind in His own image. In the image of God, He created them.

Male and female, He created them. God blessed them and said to them, be fruitful and increase in number, fill the earth and subdue it. Very important that we speak blessing over our children. I don't understand the spiritual dynamic behind this, guys, but I know it's powerful. I remember one experience I had with Cindy's mom who lived with us for a number of years.

And she was very elderly. She was probably 94, 95 years old. She was within a month of passing on to be with our Lord in heaven. And I remember sitting around her bedroom one day praying for her. We had family members and extended family members there.

And we even had a caregiver in the room that really didn't know the Lord that asked if she could be present while we were doing this. And we said, of course. She was blown away by the experience, by the way. But we went around the room and prayed for Ada. That was her name.

And Ada, we thought, was asleep. Her eyes were closed and we thought she was really gone. She really didn't understand what was going on. We got all through praying and her eyes opened up. And this blows me away.

I get emotional just thinking about it as I'm sharing it with you right now. She went around that room and prayed a blessing over every single person in that room ending with me. I lost it. I mean, I have never had anybody pray like that over me. I lost it.

And I remember thinking, wow, what's happening with me? Why is this so special? And it was a reminder to me that of the importance of doing that with our children all the time, very, very important ideas, guys. And so the other thing I want to share with you kind of before we get into the life implication part of all of this is to also remember that your kids, not your grandkids now, your kids are watching you. And they're watching you very closely.

What do I mean by that? Well, let me give you an example. With my grandkids right now, I'm just falling all over myself for them. I mean, I love them so much. I want to be in their lives.

I want to take care of them. I want to do stuff with them. However, when my kids were growing up, especially if you've heard my life story, my early years of marriage, I wasn't a very good guy. I was not there for them. And so my daughter is now watching me and the way I behave around her kids.

And in fact, a couple of times, both of my daughters have had the occasion of saying, By the way, Dad, I notice how you're treating my kids. And I was wondering, you know, how come you didn't do that with us when we were growing up? I mean, they're saying it in kind of a cute tongue in cheek way. But there's also a seriousness about it as well. They long for that.

But I tell you something, don't be intimidated by that. They're watching you to want to see the difference. But also, they love it when you treat their kids special, even though they may not have received that from you. They are loving it. So I just want to encourage you to remember that and to do two things.

Begin treating your own kids the best way you possibly can. I'm not saying you're going to make up for all the lost time, but be special to them. Love them deeply and love their children and everything will go well with you. I promise you. OK, as we bring this to a close, what is the life implication of all of the stuff we're sharing with you?

Well, here it is. If I do not take my responsibility for grandfathering seriously, listen, I will miss out on the opportunity to positively impact my grandkids. This is really true, guys. We got to take this responsibility seriously. OK, now life application.

I want to leave you with some discussion questions. You can do this by yourself. Just look at them, ponder them. But I really encourage you to have these discussion questions with a group of other guys or maybe you can go home and have this discussion with your spouse or perhaps you're watching this program as a husband and wife, grandma and grandpa. You can also relate to this as well.

And by the way, I didn't say this up front. I'll say it now. If you're watching this program and you're not a grandfather yet, I know you can get Especially if you've got kids and you need to you're having kids and you need to relate to your moms and dads. I think there's some good information in here for you to understand as well. So here are some discussion questions for you to drill down on.

How would you rate your confidence in being a great grandfather? This is a big problem with a lot of older guys today. We don't have the kind of confidence that we need to think that we can be a great granddad. And guys, I want to tell you something. As I've just shared, it's not rocket science.

It's simply communicating. It's simply getting into their world and understanding where they are at. Number two, discuss maybe a negative and positive experience you've had in this area. Maybe you've had an occasion to do something that turned out not so good and you can begin to understand a little bit why. Or maybe you've got a positive experience to share.

I want to encourage you to do that in your discussion time. And then what do you plan to do differently as a result of this teaching? Maybe talk about something, even if you're looking at this as a husband and wife or with a group of guys, begin thinking, what can I do differently? You might say, well, you know what? I love the idea of scheduled availability.

I'm going to start getting a calendar out and I'm going to take my grandkids one at a time and I'm going to plan activities where I can just be alone with them or you as a grandma and grand cop that can have them at the house or go do some fun things with them. Maybe that's something you could do differently. Or the whole idea of praying for them every single day. Maybe you're not doing that. You can make a list and begin to do that.

Or maybe getting more information from their mom and dad. All of that stuff. Begin to put a plan together, but don't just keep doing the same old thing. Think about this. Pray about this.

It's very important. And finally, if you go to www.millionprayinggrandparents.com, there's a lot of great resources there for you. I really want to encourage you to do that. Now as we close the program, just a quick prayer. Lord, thank you so much for this information that you've given to us to share.

Thank you so much for the opportunity and the pleasure we have of being grandmas and grandpas. And thank you especially for all of these beautiful children that you've put in our quivers. I pray a special blessing upon these grandmas and grandpas and upon the relationships with their children. And I pray it all in Jesus' name. May God richly bless you.

I pray this information has really helped you be a godly grandparent. On Target with Vince D'Acchioli. We'll be right back. Let me take a minute as we close and talk to some of you who may be watching right now. And you're in a place where you might say, you know what?

I'd love to have the kind of relationship with my grandchildren that you're talking about Vince, but there's a problem. And maybe that problem has come from dysfunctional family issues and relationships that you've built up over the years. It could be there have been divorces. It could be they've been breaking away of family members and you've not been able to connect with them. You desire to spend more time with those grandchildren, but for whatever reason, there's dysfunction.

Listen, it's not too late. Two things I want to suggest to you. Number one, when it comes to the relationship part, love them. Do not judge them, love them, be there for them and let them sense that your motive is pure. The second thing and most important of all is to pray every single day.

Pray for those grandkids and for your kids and pray, Lord, please give me opportunity to repair this brokenness. Lord, only you can do that. I want to encourage you. It is not too late. Thank you so much for watching this program and we'll see you next time.

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